ARIZONA TO ALASKA 

Those sausages can get pretty slippery after the mustard is applied. Maybe Monsanto can breed us some non-skid lettuce. :oP

Just think of the air miles on that sausage. It went half way around the world only to wind up getting lost in your deep shag pile. I bet the lettuce is still down there somewhere, male rescue services always have to prioritise in their response to a major disaster of this ilk.

That mustard spillage will probably require a clean up permit. You are a busy man, I will start on the paperwork for you. My understanding is that we have to build a barge that can be swiftly moved into place and then start a scooping and mopping action followed by a deep steam clean. One can only hope the Warrior Princess hasn't found out already, she would only approve of consumption of local produce, which admittedly would be limiting in Dutch, FISH anyone? Your sausage would likely be impounded and subjected to rigorous carbon footprint campaigning.

I could start an alternative global campaign to save your sausage?

I'm very creative.

And I'm at my absolute best first thing in the morning.


I read a bit about this bone of contention with Adam Scott and his extra long putter. Then I saw him playing with it at THE Open. Bold as brass he was. Tiger isn't at all happy about it either, he wants the rules changed. It does look strange in use, tucking it under his chin and swinging it like that. There has to be limits or where will it all end? Players could dangle their putter out from the local Travelodge window and avoid having to even get dressed in the morning.

Not sure what Tiger's beef is with that idea.


The belligerent UK guide to all things Olympic

PART 3

Out of range.

Its now a little over 24 hours to the big opening ceremony which promises to leave everyone BOTH open mouthed in wonder AND willing to invest billions in a brighter Britain. Or so we are being told by forcibly smiling and positive sounding PR people who have overrun the BBC this week. It must be SEEN to be going all fine and dandy, no matter what is transpiring stage left.

12 miles of traffic gridlocked west of London for third day running.

The first eventage actually happened last night, with Team GB playing football against Team New Zealand. Only it was just the ladies team so we sent them to Wales to play it. Team GB won. All good.

Your ladies won their match too. You played France by the way, I know full well most of you would have been watching paint dry instead.

Another game that sidled furtively into the Games pre-opening time was the North Korea v Columbia ladies football match. It was warmly hosted by 4000 Scottish people at a stadium in Glasgow (the windy hillside with wonky goalposts in the Outer Hebrides was fully booked already...). It was all going swimmingly until they accidentally showed the South Korean flag next to the North Korean players names. At which point the atmosphere soured slightly and the ladies of the North Korean team walked, off refusing to play.

Oops.

The officials spent the next hour making (political asylum) promises they might have to keep and eventually managed to get the game under way an hour later than scheduled. By which point most of the warm crowd of 4000 had left to get warmer in the traditional Scottish manner since it was well past their opening time.

It's possible we are off the North Korean Christmas card list.

I think we got away with it. Just about. As long as we remain out of range I'm sure we'll be fine.

You will find out in PART 4.

Possibly.

Quoting Bogon:
Those sausages can get pretty slippery after the mustard is applied. Maybe Monsanto can breed us some non-skid lettuce. :oP

They would do better to breed lettuce that tasted like sausage or bacon...

Joe, I'm assuming you obeyed the "5 second rule" with the sausage?????

UK: Who is going to light the Olympic cauldron? The flame? The Queen, Prince Philip? You? Who?

Nobody knows who, nobody knows how Dotmom! It's the big secret that hasn't leaked.

My money is on the cows.

Possibly the chickens

Maybe the lightning storm...

Actually, I heard Piers Morgan talking about a 5-time gold medalist (didn't hear sport) that he thinks should do it. Too many people think it is going to be David Beckham. It'll be neat when it is all divulged. And so what if they don't get it done the first day they try. The games last two weeks - they can try each day. It was thrilling for the USA when Ali lit the flame. Some people resent him as a "draft dodger" but nevertheless, he is an American hero.

Okay people, no guff on that last statement.

Joe! Amelia's makes a fine breakfast and it is on your way to work. I would be a total "crab" without my breakfast!

PS: Safeway has some good chicken tenders/steak fries as well that you could pick up on your way home.

Okay, enough teasing from me!

The 5 times gold medalist is Sir Steve Redgrave, rower, sometimes coxless.

He will have a role to play, so will Becks & it looks like Ali will be in it too. But nobody knows for sure who will do it, or how it will be lit. The flame has spent the last 69 days being carried aloft around every town in the country - its been a surprisingly well attended event. Its been heading through the streets of London today, passing Buckingham Palace & 10 Downing Street with massive crowds of people lining the streets. A different person carries it every 300 metres (about 400 yards in old money).

The rain has doused it several times and whilst it came near my house they had to abandon the run due to storms! But they carry a couple of spare lanterns in a bus that follows along, they are the same ones lit in Athens by the sun.

They had to wait for it to stop raining in Athens before they could light it.

You see a theme developing there don't you?

Its been hot all week. Its due to break tomorrow into cooler and more showery stuff but they think it will just about hold dry and warm for the opening ceremony.

If the cows are lying down we will know they got the forecast wrong...

They had to wait for it to stop raining in Athens before they could light it.

You see a theme developing there don't you?

UK: This comment made me laugh out loud!

UK: Now that you say Sir Steve Redgrave, that is the name that P. Morgan mentioned. Thank you.

dotmom, you are REALLY dating yourself about Ali and the draft -- that was in 1967! He was fairly new as Mohamed Ali, having converted to Islam in 1964 and abandoned his Cassius Clay birth name . That sure takes me back to my salad days!

So, while the British enjoy the glory and traditions of the Greek Olympiad, we Yanks are enjoying the delights of the Roman Circus also known as Election 2012. Lions and Christians are in short supply, but we have lots of clowns. So many in fact, that we were able to share one of them with our British friends.

I interviewed Ernie Els about a decade ago. Very gracious man. Excellent father. Glad he won, though Adam Scott did choke it away.

A "praying mantis" spotting on Wednesday in the garden. Hope he has stuck it out during these thunderstorms!

Well UK, your Queen is one good sport! She lets the Olympic Committee have fun and doesn't seem to mind. I do wish she would give us a little smile though. So far so good. Things are going well and the opening and closing ceremonies were very entertaining and good.

The London Olympics

Part 4

Bonkers conquers

If they ever give me the job of organising the opening ceremony of an Olympic games I will slightly alter the traditional method they follow of getting the athletes inside the arena.

It takes too long.

I can amuse myself for some time with spotting the worst of the TEAM TOGS – this years prize for worst outfit definitely goes to team GB. White shiny tracksuits with gold lame hoodie linings? Elvis ain't dead, he's playing hockey next Tuesday.

A giant inflatable slide from roof height is what is needed. Multiple lanes, teams enter at 50mph at their own risk. Pure friction on the nylon would have seen Team GB ignite the cauldron on entry, job done. Everyone gets to go home on time whilst Paul McCartney still awaits his cue to sing Hey Jude to the night watchman and a stray goose.

I loved the first hour and a bit. I thought it was eccentric, funny and very British. I did wonder how on earth people in other countries would ever understand what was going on – it needed a succinct yet knowledgeable commentary. The symbolism could have easily been lost on those unfamiliar with our history – the quick pace was necessary and well judged, the music was terrific (with the exception of Macca). It was quirky, imaginative and touching in its intimacy. A totally different beast to the one that went before, and it needed to be too.

Money is an object right now.

The Queen getting involved by acting scenes with James Bond was CLASS. She had that wry smile on her lips as she walked through the hallways of the palace with Daniel Craig and her corgis. She would have LOVED that her dogs featured. She proved herself to be a good sport, I reckon the grandkids would have egged her on a bit.

My Grandmother watched the ceremony. She commented today that 'of course' SHE realised it couldn't have been the ACTUAL Queen parachuting out the helicopter over the stadium 'because they hadn't had the time to fly the 9 miles from the palace...'

My grandmother is 92 years of age.

If the Queen doesn't age then neither will she. Anything is possible.


She was, however, very pleased that Mr Bean hadn't put the rest of the orchestra off their game. 'Must have been distracting' she said...

I liked that the show was proudly multi cultural and as ethnically diverse as real life Britain. I liked the nods to our tolerance as a society. I liked that so many children were involved, regularly stealing the limelight. I liked that the dancing doctors and nurses were largely made up of REAL doctors and nurses. I liked the fact it rained for real shortly after they brought out the pretend clouds. I like that they honoured those that died in a terrorist attack on London (just a day after we learnt we had won the Olympics) in such an artistic and eloquent way. I liked that they handed the honour of lighting the beautiful copper petal cauldron to young potential sports stars of our future.

I worry about how much all that burning gas is going to cost us over the next 17 days.

It left me feeling proud.

And I'm still giggling that the Czechs chose to send their team out in wellies!

The UK guide to the Olympics continues unabashed...

Part 5

What we don't know won't hurt us

I don't know the rules to the vast majority of the sports I've found myself watching lately, but I don't let that stop me having a expert opinion after 5 minutes of viewing time has elapsed. Why would I break a habit of a lifetime? Here is my guide to just some of what I've seen so far:-

Sailing
Essentially they find a smallish row boat, put a great big WI-FI mast and a colourful sun shade up the middle of it and screw on a couple of lap top tables either side. Then they all head off into the big blue yonder dangling 6 foot out of either side of said (perfectly dry and comfortable) boat with their arses bouncing along in the waves. I have little idea of which direction they are supposed to be heading nor where the big wet blue finishing line might be, but it's one of our big medal hopes, the UK is good at this stuff apparently – so I'm keeping an eye on it.

I'm hoping the 40mph gales that are arriving off the Weymouth coast today help jolly things along.

Judo
I'm not sure I lasted a full 5 minutes viewing time on this one. It was ladies in their PJ's trying to strangle each other on a mat whilst a referee scores them on their self control, respect and choke holds.

Judo is very popular with young children in my street, I have seen them walking to after school classes in their PJ's for years now. I've decided not to mess with them in future.

Archery
This sport has seen a massive increase in popularity here in the UK over the past year. I regularly drive past an archery club which meets in a local field, and the last time I saw them there must have been 200 eager new participants aiming arrows at the far distant targets. I closed my car windows, you never know...

My BBC guide tells me that archers have to hit a gold ring target the size of a beermat from a distance of 7 bus lengths. I often fail to hit the beermat at arms length on the table right in front of me without spilling something. Thankfully it's usually more red wine than blood. But good luck to them (and the bus drivers).

Canoe Slalom
An estimated 75 bath tubs worth of water PER SECOND pours through the man made rapids whilst competitors try to negotiate their path through gates in teeny tiny little boats. Red gates must be negotiated upstream. Green gates downstream. Don't touch a gate, don't miss a gate. Don't go Tango Uniform. The Europeans apparently dominate this sport.

Turns out you lot over there are much wiser than I ever gave you credit for.

Cycling – road race
You know I love my bicyclists. Our man with the mutton chops (sideburns) Bradley Wiggins won this years Tour de France. It has lead to everyone else in this country finally sitting up and taking notice of the sport – and last Saturday/ Sunday they lined a 150 mile route from London's Buckingham Palace out into the countryside and back again. They didn't just line it – they stuffed it. It is estimated a MILLION people went out to cheer the bikes whizzing past.

Team GB sadly didn't perform as well as we'd hoped – maybe it was a bit of a stretch with only a 6 day window between the Tour and the Olympics. But that big crowd had a really big effect that nobody had expected.

The bikes are fitted with electronic gadgetry that relays the timings back to a command centre – it is vital to know the split times between each group since a big group working in unison can easily catch a small group or individual given time and distance. They are riding tactically, it is not possible to go full pelt over such distances. Both riders, teams and viewers want those all important time checks. But they failed to work much of the time during last weekends road races. Do you know why?

I know you are all gripped so I'll put you out of your misery.

All those people who stood (sometimes 20 deep) at the roadside had, about their persons, approximately one million smartphones. They were using them to keep up to date with the race and to tell friends back home how exciting/ wet it all was. AND ENMASS THEY BLOCKED THE BLOODY PHONE SIGNALS ON THE BIKES!

It made me a bit cross. I thought of putting on my PJ's, rounding up a few local children and going down there to sort it all out...

Swimming/ Diving
Two of my favourites. Especially now they've made them do it without the ridiculous full head to toe skin tight swim suits on. And they said that no new records would be set this year without them! Nonsense! All you need is clean hands.

That's why they give you those little finger bowls in Chinese restaurants...

OK. Sore subject possibly. Lets get back to the SPORTY STUFF...

Not that the divers ever wore skin suits – those chaps were always in the itsy bitsy teeny weeny beachballesque panties brigade parade. It takes bravery to leap backwards doing somersaults off a 10m high plinth. But it takes REAL daring to hit the water arrow straight and fingers first. The temptation to make a last second grab at your waistband before entry must be huge. How do they wipe the idea of a potential billion+ audience watching the potentially naked underwater shots from their minds enough to concentrate on the important stuff?

I've got instant pause and rewind on my high definition large screen TV. I've avoided my natural inclination towards all the high tech gadgetry available on the basis that 3D broadcasts could leave me close enough to the action to be holding my own special event in 9 months time.

Back in the big pool its the butterfly stroke that is the one that really amazes me. Have you ever actually tried that yourself? I have, and I can report that it is the fastest known method of drowning. It just defies all logic. If I fling my arms so far back, up and over in the desired motion then the essential breathing apparatus which God so cleverly designed up my front end gets so badly overwhelmed by something close to 75 bath tubs of water per second that I sink. End of story.

Having watched Mr Phelps doing his arm stretchy things whilst standing on the starting blocks before each race I decided (rather unwisely as it turned out) to try that bit for myself. It may be the essential element I had been missing on my previous unintentional suicide attempts. On dry land I assumed it was much safer.

I'm not stupid, I had checked I had enough space all around me before making my indoorsy world record attempt at dislocating every joint from the waist up. I even stretched out a few muscles and tendons in a woefully inadequate warm up routine before going for the full on Phelps effect. It's just that I hadn't fully taken into account that the dog, who had been peacefully sleeping on the bed behind me, was a self movable object.

My the Phelps arm flip met her Cocker leg stretch fully on the nose.

I felt dreadful about it.

After a stewards inquiry it was decided I'd have a bowl of ice cream and leave a dollop of it on her nose by way of both apology and essential medical treatment...

UK..Thanks for the morning wake-up with the Olympics, UK style. It was much more enlightening...and funny...than the poor fare I receive every night via the NBC crowd. When I gave up my rights to TV I forgot how much time I used to waste...er...spend listening to the talking heads yell about gold or lack there-of, as though none of the rest of it matters. How about just making it to the events? I consider that to be a monumental achievement. I do confess to being enthralled watching Mr Phelps stretch then vigorously slap his own back with those huge hands; I may be 67 but I'm not dead yet! (I used to swim competitively and remember a lot of things from those days. Picture yourself a self-conscious, female teen in the midst of a crowded hallway at school, and hearing your male teammate yell at the top of his lungs, "Gee you look funny with clothes on!")

So, I think I'll forgo NBC and leave my play-by-play to UK...much more entertaining. Just try to avoid the shooting ranges.

UK, I'm here to reinforce and endorse what osdianna said. I've told you already how much I enjoy your reports; now I'm going public.

Alas, I haven't spotted a single sail during the U. S. Olympic coverage so far. Maybe I need to climb higher toward the crow's nest. Or it may be that I haven't tuned in at the right time on the right channel. To be honest, my theoretical appetite for Olympic news far exceeds my actual viewing time. I think the root of the problem is that I don't care greatly who wins how much of what.

I think they ought to give all the athletes a medal just for showing up. Let's see, I reckon it would take about ten hours to play everybody's national anthem. And the musicians need to be extra careful to keep the Upper Slobbovian anthem sorted out from the song from Lower Slobbovia.

You Go, UK!
Being TVless, I have seen nothing of the Olympics except some newsy bits on the internet. I do wish I had seen the opening. The bits I did see were amazing. What was with all the white uniforms and hospital beds? I assumed there was some famous British hospital being honored, but couldn't hear any commentary about it as it jumped from them to flag bearers in native costume climbing a winding trail to the top of a small hill. It was all beautiful, especially the fireworks.
Keep up the good work UK.

OH! Promises of a new blog....

OK Pudden Head......whenever you're ready.....no rush....

OH.

OK.

Think he's fallen asleep.

Everyone just shuffle about quietly for a few hours then....

(DAMN THAT COMFY RED CHAIR...)


Thanks for your encouragement everyone, I'm enjoying the novelty of having the Olympics on home soil and discovering what it's like to be bang in the right time zone! I realise now just how much of the Sydney and Beijing games I had missed just by sleeping.

Whilst it's impossible to be watching everything, the BBC have dedicated 26 TV channels to coverage that starts at 9am and runs to 1 or 2am every day for the duration, I can pick up on lots of what's going on from the sheer weight of media coverage here. Are you able to watch any BBC coverage online? I know they block some output beyond these shores, presumably in this case because NBC have paid for exclusivity in the States, but the BBC have dedicated huge resources towards their website and smartphone (via their free APP) coverage. Maybe it's just for me...

I read an article online from a Los Angeles newspaper yesterday where the journalist (presumably in order to meet his print deadline) had been one of the few Americans ALLOWED to watch the opening ceremony live via the BBC. He later watched the NBC coverage, which went out with such a hefty delay it has caused quite a furore in the US media it seems. He, therefore, had ample opportunity to contrast and compare and came to conclusions which closely match what I've read from people online – the need for commercials to be shown in the US gets in the way and interrupts the ebb and flow of the event, NBC commentators talked inane drivel throughout, never allowing 'dead air' time and a whole section of the show was removed so that they could show an interview between Ryan Seacrest and Mr Phelps. Which could have been shown at any time.

The large section that was removed was one of the most beautifully poignant pieces of dance to a low but fast drum beat (which are virtually inaudible on the video shown the linked webpage but its the only full version I found to share with you – the music is available on itunes).

Link

Scottish singer Emeli Sande sang a stunningly simple version of one of my favourite hymns, Abide With Me. The pared down aspect of this section of the show was in sharp contrast to the rest of it – which afforded it yet more poignancy. I referred to it in an earlier post, a tribute to the 52 people that died during the terrorist bombings in London the day after we learned that we had won our bid to hold the games. For the execs at NBC to think that this was an appropriate section to cut shows a distinct lack of respect in my opinion.

I very much hope they show the full unedited version of the ceremony on US TV at some point. It is available in full on the BBC.co.uk (iPlayer) website over here, I'd love to know if you can view it there? I fear not.

Iaotter – the dancing doctors and nurses and kids jumping on giant beds section was a tribute to the National Health Service (which is funded by British tax payers and provides quality healthcare free to all - it was introduced after WW2 and we are justifiably proud of all that it achieves despite interference from politicians...). The famous Great Ormond Street Hospital (GOSH) for sick children was also featured, it's day to day costs are funded via the NHS and with huge charitable donations it has become recognised worldwide as a leading research and teaching centre for the treatment of the most difficult childhood illnesses.

To be fair the commentary given by the BBC at the opening ceremony came in for some shtick over here too. We had 3 people, a male newsreader, a female sports presenter and a male radio DJ/ music journalist. The choices seemed safe enough on paper but the newsreader drew criticism for his solemn tone throughout, possibly because we are more used to hearing him do the commentary for state funerals and opening of parliament but he definitely missed an opportunity to let his hair down a bit. The music guy was essentially there to comment on his specialist subject but got a bit carried away with his references to relative 'attributes' of each country as the teams walked out (as well as HIS relatives that featured in the teams!). He'd have been OK if he'd just stopped his modern 'yoof radio' habit of appealing to the lowest possible common denominator – 'this country has the tallest people on the planet – as you can see...'.

Indeed.

He attracted some deeply critical tweets on Twitter during the ceremony:
“If anyone's got Trevor Nelson's phone number, please call him and tell him his car is on fire and he needs to go...”

“Is Trevor Nelson conducting some sort of protest against the Olympics? Bizarre comments”

The BBC have said he'll be back for the closing ceremony.

I hope they bring some duct tape for him and party hats for the newsreader.


As for Bogons idea of giving everybody that shows up a medal then perhaps, given the latest news story, we should exclude the ladies from China and South Korea whom came to play badminton....then didn't bother. That footage is worth catching if you can, they acted out a farcical scene in which neither pair in each of two separate matches actually wanted to win so they could fix who they would come up against in the following round, for which they had already qualified.

The assembled crowd who had bought expensive tickets to the event two years in advance BOOED them for their lack of sportsmanship. They should be handed one way tickets and sent home immediately.

Ideally accompanied by a chatty Trevor Nelson and Ryan Seacrest.


PS.

TEAM GB JUST WON OUR FIRST GOLD MEDAL – 2 ladies in a row boat!!!!!!

UK, thanks for the info on the beds and kids and doctors and nurses. And congrats on the gold for the rowing!
Someday may we have the same universal health care coverage in our country. I see folks around here every day who have to choose between medicine and dental care and other needs such as food, gas to get to work or even school supplies and clothing for their kids. It's not the outright poor that suffer the most, it's the folks who work two part time jobs or farmers with no benefits and make just enough that they don't qaualify for subsidized care.
You all have a right to be proud of that healthcare and all the good work being done for kids!!! I can see why it was featured in the opening ceremony.
Weather here has gone back to hot and dry. The rain we got was great, but not nearly enough. The rivers are down. Dog and I went river walking the other day and most was only ankle deep. This from a river that was flooding last year and probably 10 - 20 feet deep where I was walking last week. Normal is about waist deep, just right for canoeing. Could barely float a toy boat now. (PS. Try saying toy boat 10 times really fast)

UK: I very much hope they show the full unedited version of the ceremony on US TV at some point. It is available in full on the BBC.co.uk (iPlayer) website over here, I'd love to know if you can view it there? I fear not.

I checked UK and we can view iPlayer radio shows but not TV. They are shown, but when you click on them a box comes up telling you they are only available to viewers inside UK (no pun intended).

We can hear live Olympic radio show coverage, so we could conceivably turn on the live NBC coverage with the sound off and listen to the BBC.

From what I have seen of it, I think I would like the BBC coverage much better. I can usually tune the announcers out, but these are really BAD this Olympics. And, yes, I think everyone would agree the commercials suck. Do they really sell much from these TV commercials? I have always wondered. It is mainly name recognition, it seems to me. Why not just put their name up in big letters on the screen along with a picture of the product--and hold it for a couple of minutes? It seems to me it would have the same effect as what they currently do.

I don't get to see that much of the Olympics, but what I see I enjoy. That is interesting insideUK how actually being there just in the same city makes you realize how much most of us are missing.

I am taking my twins for their SENIOR portraits in a couple of weeks. Where did their childhood go? Seriously? I know everybody says that, but WOW. It is hard to believe this time that flew by for me has been their whole life. And I have all these memories of the baby and toddler times--and they don't remember any of it. So weird.

Meanwhile, we are out of sync with everybody else's weather, as per usual. We have been getting lots of rain since last October, after the incredible drought.

I'm glad Joe is getting some time off, and I am glad that ugly van is gone. No, I did not notice. Now, if the container being used as a storage shed would disappear, Joe would have the perfect view.

UK: Keep up the good reporting. We are all enjoying your humor and commentary.

I think my parents in Olympia, Wa. used to watch the Canadian Broadcasting network coverage of the Olympics...much better.

Your view HAS improved Joe, though I agree the container right smack in the middle always irritates me...can't they bury them somewhat in the side of the hill?

Quoting osdianna:
I think my parents in Olympia, Wa. used to watch the Canadian Broadcasting network coverage of the Olympics...much better.

Your view HAS improved Joe, though I agree the container right smack in the middle always irritates me...can't they bury them somewhat in the side of the hill?

We lived in Port Angeles for three years and watched TV from Victoria all the time!... Much better than Seattle Stations.

At the university I went to, communications was one of those colleges with lower qualifications that lesser students could go with. Not that there aren't also well-qualified students that choose it for the right reasons, I am sure, but I imagine that this academic loophole impacts the profession.

I had never really thought about the connection before.